The Schmuck

The general meaning of schmuck is a fool or idiot.  That's not what I'm inferring when I call myself or someone else a schmuck.  It's my way of saying, "You're someone who gives beyond what is right, just and healthy for your own existence."  In the Penny Vital Dictionary of Awesome Words, the abridged version, a schmuck is someone who gives of themselves foolishly, whole heartedly and with abandonment.  Sounds lovely, right?

Not always.

More often than not, a schmuck attracts a sponge.  A sponge is someone who soaks up the love, the gifts and the adoration from the schmuck and gets fluffier, fatter, fuller....without truly returning the favor. A sponge isn't necessarily corrupt in their essence nor taking these sacrifices with ill-intent, but is more or less ignorant of just how much it might be costing the schmuck to give it.  Whether that ignorance is feigned or genuine, that depends on the sponge.

As a former schmuck, I dated a lot of sponges in my life.  They reveled in how much I gave, contributed and sacrificed....all in the name of love and wanting to be loved.  And when it was over, I was in debt, full of resentment and feeling like I had been robbed.  However, everything that they had taken, I had freely gifted.

Over the course of my life, I have become to understand that resentment is a metaphorical destination and it takes your willingness to place yourself within its confines.  So I usually reroute myself these days.  I just go around or avoid it altogether.  When I give of myself, I proceed with a healthy measure of caution and discretion.

I no longer date or interact with sponges.  In fact, I married a schmuck.  He is the most loving, giving, self-sacrificing person I have ever met.  And the greatest way I can love him back is to limit his giving.  I don't need him to pay my bills.  I have my own job.  I don't need him to buy me expensive things or trips.  I pay for my stuff and I can pay my way.  My husband can love me in so many more ways without me depleting his funds or starting a precedence that my happiness relies on what or how much he gives me.  It's not his job to make my life easy or happy.  It's just his job to love me and be my best friend.

This train of thought stemmed from a Huffington Post article I read this week, titled Three Pieces Of Marriage Advice You Should Actually Listen To, by Michael Griswold.  Within the article comes this excerpt:

Marriage takes sacrifice: Saying that marriage takes sacrifice isn't exactly "stop the presses, breaking news"; most people are aware of this. But, what they might not be aware of is that both parties should sacrifice as equally as possible. Sacrificing in marriage isn't the problem — most things in life take sacrifice. But, when one partner sacrifices as often as a pitcher bunting with a runner on first and the other partner sacrifices almost never, you run into problems. This isn't to say there needs to be a tally (one sacrifice for me, one for you), but it should be as fair as possible. Good marriage relationship advice is to be cognizant of who is sacrificing more (or making the bigger sacrifices) and put forth an effort to even things out.

In essence, a necessary sacrifice is an ok thing as long as it's not an everyday thing.  And if you are dating a schmuck, know when to say no and have them scale back....it's the greatest way you can express your profound love for them.

The Age of Passive Aggressive Dating

I'll admit it. I've totally done this.

I was dating a guy and he wasn't texting me back or returning my calls.  It had been 2 days and no sign of him.  So I told him off.....through Twitter.

"Different day same shit, ain't nothing good in the hood."
I'd run away from this bitch and never come back if I could."

My method of communication annihilation: rap lyrics.  Oh, if I was mad, I would tweet aggressive rap lyrics....passive aggressively.  And once I hit the send button, I felt elated.  I felt powerful.  I totally said what I wanted.  Once that doucher opened his twitter and saw my latest post, he would be shamed.  SHAMED!!!  He would know what a beast I am.  And that makes me a winner.

Many years later...and dozens of rap tweets past...I am quite aware that those quotes from The Game did not make me a winner.  In fact, looking back, I'm not even sure what I was attempting to express.  While posting it gave me a bit of self-gratification, what it did not do was communicate on any level nor make any suitor behave better.

I'm now in a wonderful relationship.  And when I'm upset with my guy, I sit him down and we talk about it.  It gets resolved.  Communication happens.

Adults should not be relying on texts to resolve an issue or on a tweet to express how wrong someone behaved.  I can accept that from a 16 year old, who is bumbling her way through her first boyfriend.  I will even pardon my post-divorce self, as I was re-entering the dating world. 

But at some point, possibly the point where you own a car, you should be able to own a conversation.  You have to relinquish the twitter and the instagram and grab onto the talk. 

And if a guy, or a girl for that matter, is not making themselves available to talk, the biggest response you can have is to move on.  If you truly don't have time for losers, you don't take the time to post a passive aggressive meme about it, you simply walk away.  Actions speak louder than pixelated words.